Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
