cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
