you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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