if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
