I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
