i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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