her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
