My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
