Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
