Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
