yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
