look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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