Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
