Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
