i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
