I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
