dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
