Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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