the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
