Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
