Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
