i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
