I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
