I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
