Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just found a bag of teeth...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
