i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He has the fingertips of a God
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
