hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he thought i was a dude.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
