I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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