I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
