my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
