If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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