Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
