Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
