it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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