Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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