ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
