y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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