I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what day is it and did you see me today?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
