you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
