I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
