Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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