dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
and you fell through a lawn chair
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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