i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my poor anus
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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