I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
