So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
sex in a hospital.. check
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
