She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
