Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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