drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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