there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
