My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
