Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
